A journal entry.

Lately I’ve been considering the fact that I’m 20.

Seriously. Like, what am I doing with my life?

When I sit down and think about it, it’s something like: “Wow. 20 years old. 2 different jobs that had nothing to do with each other. One year at a community college under my belt–and not one I like to speak about. My life has been kind of all over the place, really.”

But the beautiful thing is that God has orchestrated all of this. Somehow, working at a Christian camp and conference center prepared me for something or formed me in some way. Somehow, working at a daycare/preschool has helped or will help me someday. Somehow, that one year of college taught me something one way or another.

I never wished or desired to live a conventional ordinary life. I’ve never really truly wanted to complete high school, go straight to college for 4 years, and devote my life to an ordinary career in nursing, teaching, photography, accounting, or whatever. I tried to convince myself that that was the good and right thing to do. But it wasn’t. I want to help people: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I want to give them hope; not just in this life but in the next. I want to help people to learn, to grow, to stop fearing and see beauty.

Now don’t get me wrong: maybe someday I’ll go back to college. I think it would be neat to go to Bible college and get a certificate or 2-year degree in theology or counseling or, more likely, music. However, I have no plans for that right now. I really don’t have many plans at all. Every day I have to give my thoughts and desires over to God, or else my mind will wander to the future and start planning stuff and over-analyzing and more planning. And frankly, God tells me not to: “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.” [Matthew 6:34]

So. For now, I will sit where I am: I will marvel at what my life has been so far, how God has used it and is using it [somehow], and trust His divine plan for my future. It’s His anyway. He’s given me this life. I want to enjoy it, but I MORE want Him to use it. I can’t imagine not living for Him. Where would I be without my Redeemer? There is no other option than to devote my life to Him. I don’t know how He’s going to use my crazy obsession with music, and my insane passion for writing and reading, and my desperate love of camps and desire to work at one…but [somehow] He will. And there is tremendous joy, peace, and comfort when I can rest in that fact.

{John 3:30 // He must increase, but I must decrease.}